I will try this one more time.

I promise, once more and if it doesn’t work, I’m done blogging FOREVER.

Reading other people’s blogs is what always makes me want to start one up again. Plus, I just finished a PR program and everyone says I need to be an “avid” blogger if I want to succeed. Whatever, we’ll see. It’s too hard to commit to writing about myself regularly, so hopefully I’ll find interesting things to put in here.

Lezdewdis.

I’m not totally happy with myself lately. There’s a certain aura of laziness and negativity that I can feel floating around me and I really hate it, because it makes me think I’ll turn out like my mother…deesh. So, I’m on a mission to make myself better. Three things I need to do:

1. Not be so catty

2. Do what needs to get done

3. Start being more positive

Not be so catty – When I was 14, me and a couple of friends had a sleepover and it wound up turning into a huge gripe-fest about our clique of girlfriends. The 3 of us were all venting, and a few of the comments were catty on everyone’s part. My personality has always been the type where I won’t say anything behind your back that I won’t say to your face, but at the end of the day, gossip always sounds worse second-hand. The other girls in the group found out about this conversation and somehow I was the only culprit, even though the girl who told everyone about the convo was one of the ones who was part of it. I lost all my friends in a day and even though I never felt like I did anything dishonest (the opinions I had shared were ones I’d vocalized before), I vowed to never say a word about another person again.

Somewhere along the way, I guess when my group of friends changed, I lost that. I don’t feel like I say mean stuff like “ew she’s so ugly”, but I vent EVERY single frustration I have with my friends, which I’m sure comes off as shit-talking them. I always feel guilty afterwards regardless because it feels somewhat disloyal. People might say “why don’t you talk to your friend about it directly” but some of these friends aren’t even worth approaching. I’m not even that close to them. Other ones will not take kindly to the criticism and I know it’ll cause a rift in the friendship.

So here’s my solution: Regardless of our closeness, I’m going to try not saying a single negative or mocking word about anyone that I know would be hurt by my comments. It’s gonna be hard as shit because some of my friends live unintentionally funny lives, but I need to cut back on being a bitch. I’m sure it’s adding to my bad karma points.

Do what needs to get done – I leave EVERYTHING off. Cleaning my room, doing laundry, paying bills, anything you can imagine. And I pay for it. I can never walk around in my room, I’m usually wearing dirty clothes and I no longer answer 800 numbers on my phone because it’s always someone looking to collect money. This is all so unnecessary. I have an able body, I have a washing machine, and I usually have the money to pay the bills, I just don’t do it because I’d rather sit on my ass and do nothing. That’s disgusting. Anyway that one’s easy. I’ll just do it.

Start being more positive – I strongly dislike annoyingly cheerful people because it’s fake. They do it because they were taught to “smile through the storm” and that “something better will come”. They smile out of hope, not happiness. Not my style, but at the same time, I’m not a miserable person and I’ve started relying so much on sarcasm as my main tool for humour that I think people actually believe I’m some angry bitter girl. It’s all fun and games til someone calls you bitter. The solution here is difficult. I get a lot of laughs for my sarcastic jokes considering the fact that I’m a girl, so I dunno if I wanna give that up. But I may as well start with saying something positive whenever I have the chance. I think I read somewhere that you should never miss the opportunity to give a compliment and I liked that.

I will update you on my progress, either next week or in 3 years.

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