I’ve never really understood the hype around perseverance. I can appreciate someone working hard for what they want, but after a while, isn’t it just time to give it a rest? It gets old doesn’t it? After everything you do, how often can you really say it was worth it?
I’ve had a life where things come to me pretty easily. If they don’t, I don’t really want them (except fame. I reeeeaaallly want fame but I’m really not willing to work for it). The only thing that hasn’t been handed to me on a silver platter is the boy I call the love of my life. We’ll call him Gerry. I’ve been trying to get G for six years, and I’ve watched as far less deserving girls have filled the shoes I’ve always known are mine. I’ve watched him date girls that I know he never really liked, that he only dated because they stroked his ego, laughed at his lame jokes and made him feel like the hotshot he needs to be. It’s been awful. How do you force someone to open their eyes?
G and I have a sordid past. We met through friends in 2006 and it was never really a friendship. I’m pretty open with my feelings. Not in a “here’s our family scrapbook on our second date” kinda way, but I usually just lay it out there and say, “Listen, I like hanging out with you, I want to kiss your body parts, are you down or what?”. If they are, cool. If not, no sweat, I move on easy. With G, I did all of that, except the move on easy part when he wasn’t down to make me his girlfriend (don’t you hate when it’s their choice? Ugh).
In 2006, I was 21 and very much susceptible to the hard-to-get tricks. I couldn’t look past them and they worked on me like a charm, especially since I always get what I want (tip: always getting what you want is really easy if you stop wanting the things you’re not getting). He would take me out, make out with me, make me feel like he really interested in me, then fall off the face of the Earth for weeks at a time. He did this more than once. Then, for a short time in 2007, I sensed a shift in the relationship and really felt like I was getting him. We have bdays within two days of each other and while planning, the topic of our status came up and he said “I’ve seriously been thinking about making things serious between us”. To my 21 yr old ears, that was MAGIC. In my elation, I was about to tell one of our mutual friends the “big news”, when I stopped myself and asked him, “Is there anything I should know about Gerry before I tell you my news?” And within seconds, the magic was extinguished. Our friend told me that G had spent the weekend with a girl in Montreal and that he was dating her. He wouldn’t be coming to our other friend’s birthday that weekend because it was apparently this girl’s birthday as well and “I’m dating this girl man, I can’t really miss it”. Eeeeeeeeeeerrrrkkks. Back the truck up. The fuck just happened here?!
He’d basically just made up all of it. After hours of conversations where I had said “Nothing will change between us if you’re dating other girls, I just need to know so that I know where I stand and I’m not waiting around for something that’s not gonna happen any time soon”, he’d ignored all of it and just lied. This is a pretty common occurrence I think, but it hit me really hard because it had never happened to me before. It hasn’t happened since, actually. Any time I’d asked for the truth and assured the other person I’d be ok with it, they were honest, whether I liked what they had to say or not. G was the only one that had stiffed me like that. Then he lied again and said there was nothing going on, but good old Facebook came through and I saw pics of the two of them together in a hotel room, alone, half dressed. 21-year-old dramatics ensued and we didn’t speak for three years.
At my birthday in 2010 he showed up, and apologized for everything he’d done and owned up to hurting me and such. You would think that with all the changes you go through between 22 and 25 and with all the pain you feel at the hands of one person it would be hard to start any kind of relationship again. With G it was like no time passed at all. The chemistry was the exact same, the sexual tension that was always prevalent before was even more ferocious now with his newfound fashion sense and my new nose. How do you ignore that or treat it like it’s nothing? That’s the shit that comes from your guts, not your heart or logic.
So fast forward to 2012. Thus far, we’ve planned our future fantasy wedding together, picked our dream honeymoon destination, named our children, decided what schooling they will have, but I still couldn’t tell you how G feels about me. I know that he’s said I’m the best sex he’d had, I know that he’s told me that I’m one of the smartest people in his life, that he thinks I’d make a really amazing mom, but nothing to the effect of “L, I want you to be a constant in my life”. For a girl, this is easy. I like sleeping with you+I admire your intelligence+you’d produce respectable offspring=MARRY ME. No dice though.
So a couple of weeks ago, G’s dad died. During his sickness, I was messaging every so often to get updates, but I didn’t want to smother during what I imagine was a miserable time and probably private too. When G gave the news about the passing, I consoled and offered my company to talk or to just sit or whatever it was he wanted, all of which he rejected. Fine, everyone grieves differently, this was nothing I took personally. I showed up to the viewing, only to be faced by two ex-girlfriends. Again, fine. It’s your business whom you keep in touch with, and I’m here to pay respects to the life of a 76 year old man, not creep exes. The next day I took the day off work to go to the funeral, the same way I had done for our other friend whose mom had passed away a couple of years before.
At this point, I was just fulfilling my duty as a friend. Love of my life or not, this is what I would do for anyone close to me. But throughout all of this, he was overly thankful for the things I thought were standard when your friend loses someone they love, almost as if everything I was doing was over-the-top or unexpected. So I took a step back and looked at everything that was going on. Here I am, crying at a funeral for a man I’ve never met, investing time and mental energy into getting my friend to talk to me about his pain, worrying about him being ok, and he doesn’t even expect me to show up at the funeral? What the hell is going on here? He was taking 24 hours to reply to my messages, and at first I thought he’s obviously busy, but then I found out he was pretty prompt with everyone else. His dad just died and he was STILL playing his standard “don’t answer her right away” phone games with me.
So I quit. If after six years and his dad’s funeral he can’t see how much I have invested in him, then he’s never going to see it. I’m too pretty for this, too smart for this and way too valuable for this. I just fucking dare him to find better. Find a better friend, find a better fuck, but try to find it in the package I’ve laid on your doorstep for this long.